Interview With Clinical Psychologist Gaby Balsells

Bio

Gaby Balsells is a Couples Therapist and Dating & Relationship Coach, living in Connecticut. She guides millennials to build happy, thriving and long lasting relationships. With a focus on emotional healing, she uses a relational approach to help clients cultivate a fulfilling connection with themselves and their partner.

What should a woman do when her partner leaves her for someone else?

  • Close all loops in terms of communication + connection together. This means, take care of all unfinished business, like giving back items or anything you need to give back, so that there’s no pending conversations that can then become excuses to reconnect.
  • Relationship research shows that having no contact for at least 3 months is the quickest and healthiest way to begin to heal and move on from a breakup. This means you settle anything you need to settle and then go 3 months without talking. No calling, no texting. If there is any official business that pops up in between those 3 months, it’s best done via email.
  • While you won’t be talking to your ex, you are not alone. Write down a list of all the people you that can be part of your support network: trusted friends, close family, any people you could share your feelings with and feel safe enough to let them support you. Rack your brain and see if there’s any other people you can add to the list.
  • If your ex was an important support or friend in your life, you’ll need to “replace” them as your #1 go to person. Pick your #1 person from your supporter list. It could be your best friend, or closest sibling. This will be someone you can call or reach for whenever you feel like you really miss your ex or need to talk to someone about your feelings.
  • If you’re feeling guilty about needing support, you can even ask that person if they are willing to be your main support! You have so many people that love you and really want to support you through this tough time!
  • Let yourself receive love from friends, and let yourself be sad and grieve all you need.
  • Heartbreak feels like a lot of grief, pain and sadness. And the biggest thing to know about sadness is it’s not something to be fixed. It’s an emotion to be felt. Let yourself cry as much as you need.
  • Double down on your self care. As much as you can, move your body, eat nourishing foods, hydrate and get enough sleep. Those things also greatly affect mental health.

What’s going on when a man likes a woman but isn’t ready for a relationship?

There are 2 things that could be happening here:

  • He’s just not that into her. He might like her plenty but not quite enough to really put both feet in and invest the time, energy and resources to commit to a relationship.
  • He has been hurt in the past and is not ready to open up his heart to a new relationship. He have witnessed his parents or family have really hard marriages, or he might be jaded from being hurt by exes in the past which is why now he’s avoiding commitment and protecting his heart.

Either way, if he says that he is not ready for a relationship here’s my advice: Believe him. Trust that he knows what he needs and be grateful he’s being honest.

The right question to ask here is not why he doesn’t want that, but to ask, Do you desire a relationship? If you do, then this is not a match. The sooner you can gracefully end this relationship and move on with your dating journey, the sooner you will find someone who is aligned with what you are wanting and looking for.

How should a woman deal with a commitment-phobic man?

It is not the woman’s job to convince, trick or wait for that commitment-phobic man to change his mind. Quite the opposite, the most loving thing to do is to respect where he is now and the fact that he’s not ready for a relationship.

If the woman does not desire commitment then it is a match. If the woman desires a committed relationship, then this is not a good match.

If this man is not a match, then the faster the woman can gracefully end things and close the door on this connection, the faster she will be able to continue her dating journey to find someone who does align with where she is in life and the commitment she desires.

When is it time for a man to stop pursuing a woman he’s interested in?

When she says so. With her words.

So, as a man in pursuing a woman it might become apparent by her body language, lack of response or enthusiasm or her communication that she is not interested. But if that is unclear- the man might feel like he’s getting mixed messages or he’s unsure if he should continue, this would be the moment to ask the woman if she is interested. He could ask: “I’d love to check in with you. I’m interested in pursuing this connection with you but would never want you to feel pressure if that is not what you want. Is this something you are interested in?”

On the other side of the equation, the woman herself might desire to take matters into her own hands and communicate that she is not interested.

If she never communicates in a clear way, then the time to stop pursuing her would be if she is emotionally and physically distant from you, if she doesn’t answer your advances or texts, or if she ghosts you.

What are the chances that someone who ‘ghosted’ you will come back?

Slim to none. Low chances.

Someone who has access to you, because they have your phone number or social media, but is not contacting you is not someone who is interested in you.

Therefore if someone ghosted you, they are clearly ending the connection. It’s not a loving or graceful way to do it but it is pretty clear. And what I will say about ghosting is that people leave relationships the best way they know how + with the tools they have. So in that moment, that person ghosted because they really didn’t have any other way or any other tools to manage this situation or communication. Let it be.

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