Elle Anzalone LMFT, LADAC is a clinician in private practice in Long Beach California. She specializes in addiction, trauma, anxiety, codependency, and family systems. A recovering alcoholic with a long history of working in treatment who wants to show that with recovery a new life can be realized.
Should a man ignore a woman who dumped him or should he try to communicate with her? How would it help?
This question is a tough one because it centers on nuance. There are a few red flags that one could look out for to measure the appropriateness of ‘closure’ (domestic Violence, drug use/abuse, alcohol use/abuse, affairs, trauma, severe mental illness, grief to name a few).
There’s a common theory floating around that closure is necessary to ‘move on’. I disagree with this theory because many situations will not allow for the relief of closure. In those situations we have to find a way to push through the discomfort to ensure our future moments are not clouded by that fear.
I often tell my clients that every relationship is a success if you learn something. Sometimes the lesson is that this person was in your life for a moment and there’s someone better suited for you. You’ll never find the one meant for you if your hands are full.
That said, if a woman does not feel comfortable discussing why the relationship was not a good fit, it might be time to explore why that’s a factor.
Some struggle with communication and are comfortable ‘ghosting’ a significant other to avoid that uncomfortable conversation. This is very common and it is often not a reflection on you-it’s a reflection on them.
Some are frightened and would rather cut off contact because the conversation makes them feel like they are in danger. It is imperative for the ‘dumper’ to set boundaries and this is where the ‘dumped’ is cut out of the conversation and left to spin out on the reasons.
Without context-it would be difficult to ascertain how one would proceed-but if this is a pattern in your life, perhaps it’s time to build insight. It’s necessary to have a trusted, neutral, 3rd party to help you recognize possible patterns that may be making it difficult for you to have a fulfilling relationship. Therapy or counseling is helpful but also a conversation with a trusted person who will ‘shoot straight’ with you may give you some answers.
If a woman is telling you to leave her alone-it’s best to respect those boundaries. It’s difficult to walk away without answers, but it’s better to heal and learn from the experience so you can grow.